Difficult times

The last 12 days have been extremely difficult, hence the large gap between postings.
About 12 days ago, we had a visit from our local healthcare professionals. These included our community District Nurse, the Macmillan Nurse that deals specifically with mouth cancer, and the Marie Curie Hospice nurse who liaises with the Marie Curie Hospice for the Bradford area. This visit, which was prearranged, was to determine my needs if any. In the conversation, it emerged that they felt the fact I had to get up at 4 AM every day to take my medication was not acceptable. It was proposed that I try some different kind of medication that was longer lasting and would allow me to get through a whole night without having to be woken. It was, then, that this new medication was proposed.

After collecting this medication from the pharmacy, I started to take it over two days. It became increasingly apparent, however, that this medication was not having the same effect on the pain as the previous medication I was taking. I endured the pain for two days thinking that there was an integration time when this medication would kick in. Unfortunately, this did not happen. I then decided to go back onto my original pain medication, but unfortunately, breaking the cycle caused problems. I found myself suffering from a number of side effects of both sets of medications. These side effects included nausea, constipation, restlessness, dehydration, extreme exhaustion etc. As well as these side effects my general overall outlook was that of being very very ill.

Whilst I was going through this, we also had an appointment with the chemotherapy registrar, where they try to convince Christine and myself to consider again the chemotherapy option. And again, we explained how we did not have confidence in the therapy. One of the things that emerged, which caused some consternation, was the fact that it seemed natural for the doctors to continue to prescribe medication to alleviate side-effects from previous medication. In my time as a healer, I have come across this many times, where a patient was on a whole regime of tablets, one being taken to alleviate the side-effects of the previous. In some cases, these patients were on as much as up to 9 tablets three times a day.

The same situation arose in the meeting with the healthcare professionals. When the medication failed to kick in I called the Marie Curie nurse to let him know that I was having problems. The main problem was nausea from the new medication. Again, the response was to prescribe another medication to alleviate the nausea. In all of our dealings with the different nurses and doctors our overall impression has been one of amazement at how easily medication is given out, one on top of the other, to try to bring balance to the whole process. Of course, Christine and myself, who believe in a holistic approach, even taking one of these medications, which in most cases is a synthetic chemical, is a big deal. The ease in which these people were willing to prescribe more and more medication in their attempts to bring balance to an already uncontrollable situation did cause some consternation.

One of the other medications which I am taking, which I really resist, is a liquid form of morphine. This is the strongest medication I have to deal with. Although it is natural, it does cause me many problems. One of the main ones is dehydration, which causes major constipation. The other, is that it can leave you very spacey, and I find myself sleeping most of the day. This also causes problems between Christian and myself, as it is destroying any kind of relationship that we are having. It is a bit of a Catch-22 situation, for without the morphine the pain becomes unbearable, so I have to bite the bullet and try to keep a balance between sleeping and trying to stay awake in order to lead some kind of natural life.

Yesterday, we had to go see a registrar at the Marie Curie Hospice, who deals specifically with pain management. If we cannot get this cancer under control, and it continues to spiral into an inevitable conclusion, I will find myself on increasingly more powerful medication which will disable me in consciousness, preventing me from doing the work that I wish to do, including writing this blog. I have had to make a resolution, that no matter how deeply the medication affects me, that I should continue to put some input into this blog in order to fulfil the purpose that I created it for, that being to share this experience with you all. It feels important for me, that I continue to do this. It also helps me to talk things through for myself, and allows me to get a grip of what is going on for me.

I have now come back into some kind of balance and so I am looking forward to sharing my insights. Over the next few days, I am hoping to dictate into the blog all of the thoughts and experiences that I have missed over the last 12 days and continue to relate the quite profound insights I gained on my recent trip to Egypt.