Since April of this year, and the conference we did in Luxor, Egypt, I have not been able to teach a full workshop. As you can imagine, this has really pissed me off. One of the things I love doing most in life is being able to share the experience of Spirit with all of the people who come to do our workshops. It has been a real challenge for me to let go of my attachment to doing this. It has also been a great challenge to allow Christine to take my place, and to trust that she can do it as good as I can, which I am happy to say she can. It has brought up for me control issues.
As I write this blogger, Christine is in Canada where she has just finished teaching a 7 Day Angelic Reiki workshop. Tomorrow, Sunday, she flies to California for three weeks to teach a Shamballa Workshop, and to do an Angelic Reiki update. From there, she goes on to Mexico and from there to Sedona, Arizona. I, however, am in Bingley, West Yorkshire, which I can assure you is not as glamorous as the places where Christine is visiting. Also, I have to find the positive side of being in a country where it is continuously autumn.
Before travelling to Canada, Christine did spend two weeks with me here. What we found that arose was that Christine had spent time away previous to these two weeks again, teaching, and during this time this illness got a slightly stronger foothold. What this means is that periodically, like once every 10 days, I find myself being extremely exhausted and having to spend most of the day in bed. Unfortunately, when Christine was here, I went through such a period. She found it particularly distressing because she had not seen me go through it to that extent before. We found that it had the same effect on a relationship that we describe in workshops when one person does spiritual work and the other person doesn't. It causes the situation where one of the people in a relationship cannot commit to that relationship in the same way. The other person, starts processing like mad, because they are doing what they normally do, and are expecting the responses but the responses never come. This was the case when Christine and I got together last time. We both saw it, but that did not stop us from going into it and feeling it.
As I stated at the beginning of this blogger, I am trying to pass on what other people find in the same situation. And as I expand on this, you will see that cancer as an illness takes people out of the game. It isolates people from the normal modes of life and all the relationships that, up until that time, they have been an integral part of. It causes a massive amount of grief in that person and feelings of separation from everybody else.
As these perceptions come up, Christine and I are trying our best to work through them, to recognise how it affects our feelings for each other and our relationship, and try to bring some balance to the situation. Part of me is glad that Christine is not here because then I know she will not be suffering from feeling me suffer. But then again, I am processing because she is not here and I miss her terribly. There is no easy way out.